Extracts from the Groucho's book of the brain-dead...
Choice words from people 'two tracks short of a single'.
C: Do you have any flyers?
S: Yes, they're at the door.
C: Where's that?
S: The one you just came in.
C: Where's that?
C: Behind you.
C: Oh, right.
S: (give me strength)
____________________________
C: Can I sell you some records?
S: What kind of records?
C: Vinyl ones.
S: What style?
C: Classical music.
S: Classical music?
C: Yeh, like Frank Zappa.
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Woman on the phone the day of T in the Park.
C: Are you running buses to T in the Park this year?
S: Yes, but we've sold out.
C: Already!
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Customer on the phone.
C: Hi, could you tell me how to get to Aberdeen?
S: What?
C: I'm in the Hilltown.
S: I dunno, take a right, find the Kingsway and the Forfar Road.
C: Thanks doll.
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Customer selling some CDs.
S: Do you have some ID?
C: I've only got my birthlines.
S: Sorry, can't take them, do you have a bank card etc?
C: No, I've not got any ID. It's not my fault, it's 'cos I've been in jail for six years.
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Customer selling DVDs.
C: None of those DVDs have been watched but some have had their
covers taken off because I heard ticking and had to make sure they weren't bombs!
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Woman on phone enquiring about 'The Enchanted Forest'.
C: What showing is it?
S: 6.15pm.
C: Eh? The clocks go back next week so that means it'll be 5.15.
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Customer comes up to counter with a Marvin Gaye CD which has a picture of
Marvin Gaye and clearly says Marvin Gaye on the cover.
C: Who's singing on the CD?
S: I dunno, take a wild guess!
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C: See that PG one, will it work on VHS? Cause I've got one of the 18 types that works...'The Krays'... But It's got lines across it but I don't know if those PG ones work on VHS...Customer on the phone. C: I've got loads of 45's - do you still buy them? S: Yes. C: What one's do you buy? S: All kinds, can't be specific, do you have a list? C: I've got them all in front of me, I'll just go through them.....Abba... _____________________________ Foreign gentleman at the counter. C: Do you have any wig tape? S: What? Wig tape? What do you mean? Wigan Casino tapes? (assuming he noticed he was in a second-hand record shop) C: No, tape for sticking your wig to your head. ____________________________ C: Ehm lookin fur a song, eh dinna ken the name o the band, They did a song. Eh dinna ken the name o it. There were models in a bath. S: What? C: No, ye ken whit ehm on aboot. The band, they did a song, eh dinna ken..... S: Help! ____________________________ Middle aged gent selling a Britney Spears DVD. C: Could you sign the book for me? I've a trapped nerve in my wrist. ____________________________ Customer on the phone. C: I want to bring in a couple of CDs and DVDs to sell to you. Do I have to pay you to buy them? (now there's an interesting concept) _____________________________ C: Do you have tickets for 7th of December? S: What for? There's a lot on at that time. C: Dinna ken. S: Where is it? What is it? C: I know it's on the 7th of December and you've got tickets. S: I'm sorry, I don't know if we can help without more information. C: Well, it's on the 27th of December! S:( Beam me up, Scotty) ____________________________
C: What time is the Damned gig? S: The doors open at half past eight. C: Are The Doors playing as well?
Elderly customer wearing a baseball cap with 'Vibe Tribe' and cannabis leaf motif buying 'Spiral Staircase' on video. C: The price has went up! S: (Puzzled) How do you mean? C: It was only 1/6 when I saw it at 'The Peke'.
After selling a batch of CD's a crusty ginger geezer produces an equally crusty CD
from his pocket.
C: Are you interested in this interactive Limp Biscuit CD Rom thing?
S: Not really.
C: Are you sure?
He then opens it up - there is no CD inside - only a soggy digestive with a hole carefully
crafted from the centre to form a neat fit.
S: What's your surname? C: White S: With a Y or an I? C: Just WH
Customer on phone: How much are records for decks? S: Any particular record? C: No, just recods for decks!!!
Have you any Steve Miller CDs? I've tried the shop in the high street but they've only got one that's a copulation of his stuff.
Young lad selling CDs: S: Do you have any ID that says you're over 16? C: No, but i've got a fag packet!
Vacant looking skater comes in for his T in the Park ticket: C: One weekend and camping. S: How're you paying? C: Not bad, how are you?
Two gadgie minks come up to the counter looking for Oasis tickets:
GM: How many have you got left?
S: About half a dozen.
GM: What's that? Like a hundred?
(even his gadgie mate looked embarrassed)
C: Is it true that Midge Ure is joining Runrig? S: Sounds daft enough to be true. C: Well, I hope he's not gonna sing any Runrig songs! I don't want him dropping his standards!
C: Got any Enigma? Where's the ' N ' section?
C: These batteries you sell....are they second-hand?
C: Do you sell tickets for the Playhouse ? S: Who for? C: For myself...oh..I mean Evita.
Customer hands over 'Plague Of Zombies' video and asks 'Is this a horror?'
C: Any information about Reading? S: No-none yet. C: When will it be? How much? Will it be held in Scotland this year? ____________________________ C: Why do you destroy all the Bay City Rollers records? (the one question that doesn't need answered) ____________________________